Wednesday, May 18, 2016

My Anxiety Part 3

I am not sure how, but it has been almost two years since I have shared an update on this topic.  I think it's honestly because I am much more guarded now than I once was on this blog.  But, if you know me in real life, then you know the word 'guarded' and Caycee normally do not go in the same sentence.  Each of us have our own life, and we may not all share the same struggles or opinions on things, but at then end of the day, I think we are all just trying doing the best we can. 

Over the last two years a lot of my anxiety in certain areas have improved, but I can't say the anxiety has disappeared and I definitely still have some.  I do think my weekly therapy and my daily 10 mg of Lexapro help me keep it under control, and I can honestly say I feel happier and more at peace with certain things. 

I have really tried hard to train my brain to focus on the good things in my life instead of harping on the things that get me down or that aren't perfect.  Don't get me wrong, it's still a struggle, but I find that the more I do this the easier it gets and the better I feel. 

Below, I wanted to share a few things with you guys that I feel so much better about, but I also want to share with you things that still bother me and the things I still struggle with. 

 I've let go of wanting and needing everyone to like and accept me.  This was one thing that brought me more anxiety than almost anything else in my life, and it kinda makes me sad that it took me this long to get over this.  I think writing a public blog made this area of my life that much harder for a while.  But with that said, after 31 years I have finally realized living life trying to make everyone love you and accept you isn't living life at all.  It can torture you and it's truly a battle you will never win.  So these days, I am just me, what you see is what you get and if you don't like it...well...bye Felicia! 

Letting go of this was huge because now my social anxiety has pretty much vanished as well.  I don't get nervous and my palms don't get sweaty like they once did when entering a crowd of people.  I mean, I don't know, maybe it's the Lexapro or the wine I have while I am there :)  But either way, I don't worry if I said something silly or shared too much the next day, because that's just my personality, it's just me.

 But then, there are other things I think I may just always battle with.  I still have anxiety about certain things first thing in the mornings.  No matter how busy or not busy my day is I feel overwhelmed at being able to get it all done.  Maybe it's the season of life I am in, or maybe it's just my own crazy brain that makes me feel this way, but either way, I still get really anxious in the mornings. 

I still get anxious about my appearance, which I know is so stupid, I know, but I still let myself get down about things people say.  I second guess wearing certain things because of how they may make my "bigger" legs look, or I am self-conscious about the way I smile in pictures because after extensive (and expensive) dental work I've had done.  After a bone graph, an implant, and a porcelain crown, my teeth still aren't perfect.  Then, I think about my children.  At 31 years old, if words like these can still hurt me, how will they make Taylor and Carson feel?  That's when I start to feel an entirely different level of anxiety. 

So this, my friends, is real life...no pretty outfits today, just real feelings and thoughts.