Thursday, June 19, 2014

My anxiety part 2

It's about to get deep on Thursday around here. 

I have not held back in sharing with you guys my struggles. They are real, and we all have them. Some worse than others. I would probably throw myself in the worse category when it comes to my struggle with anxiety, and I've let that be no secret. 

I have had it for as long as I can remember. In high school, I recall right before every test my heart beating out of my chest and finding it hard to breathe. I would feel so relieved when I was done, but would clock watch the entire test and sike myself out.

I didn't drive on the interstate alone until my freshman year in college and the first time I did I had to pull over because I had a full blown panic attack. I had to call a friend at the time, and they had to talk me into getting back on the interstate and turning my car around.

Now at the age of 29 my struggles with anxiety are different, but are still very much there. There are no more test to worry about and getting on the interstate is a breeze. 

Some mornings I wake up and feel so overwhelmed to tackle the day. Todd likes to joke that I tell myself I am the busiest person in the world and in my head that's how I feel sometimes. I know that seems silly right? Obviously I know I am not, but convincing myself of that on that day is sometimes quite hard.

Right before any event I get sweaty hands, I sometimes have vomit of the mouth, and I say things that I later ask myself why did you say that. Usually what I said was just something silly, but I stress over it and wonder, did I just sound stupid? When I get nervous I get chatty, silence increases my anxiety.

I have anxiety about being accepted. For some reason I want to know that everyone likes me. I know that's not the case, nor will it ever be. But for some reason is bothers me, probably more than the average person. I am working on this, but it's still a struggle. 

Now that the kids are older and a little more self sufficient I don't get anxiety near as bad taking them places, but every now and then I can feel it creep up and I will notice my heart racing and I start to feel frazzled. I wish I had full control over it, but I don't.

I have, however, figured out how to deal with it BETTER. For me that is taking medicine to help. 

As I told you guys before I was on Zoloft from the time Carson was a week old until Taylor was 5 months old. It helped, it actually helped a lot. But suddenly I realized the negatives from the medication were outweighing the positives. I won't go into too much detail, but I just didn't have much "feeling" in  certain situations, I was just kinda of numb inside.

I weaned off for almost a year and half, but then I recognized I needed help again. That was 3 months ago.

Today I am taking 5 mg of Lexapro one time a day. I can definitely tell a difference, not a huge difference like I did with Zoloft, but it still helps. Plus, I don't have any of the negative side effects like I did with Zoloft. My doctors and I are still in the process of finding the right dose for me, but I wanted to start out low and see if I could work on some tools to help myself. Tools like taking a deep breathe, slowing down, smiling, focusing on the good, and exercising. These small things really do help so much.


All this to say, I am still a happy, bubbly girl who loves her life, family, and friends more than you could ever imagine. I am blessed, and I know this. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for my life and all the wonderful things in it. 

But I am human, a real person with real struggles, and that's ok. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful! I am learning this more and more with each day.







30 comments:

  1. Good for you Caycee. I am glad the meds are helping. We all have our own battles to fight and have to do what works for us!! Love you girl!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh girl, I love your transparency. And don't ever feel alone in your struggles. Lots of us suffer from anxiety and it's so so good that you are not only aware, but treating it. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I totally teared up reading this because I can so relate... I have suffered from anxiety off and on my entire life,yet,my personality is upbeat and happy. I really applaud you for getting real,and letting it all hang out.You could easily never mention any of this,and your readers would never know.Your humbleness is so refreshing in a world where keeping it all together ,looking perfect,is an easier choice.You are a beautiful woman,with such a kind spirit,I truly appreciate your honesty , and that is why your readers love you! Have a great day.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Girl, I could have written this whole post myself, thank you for sharing. I have had it for as long as I can remember and it is terrible and really hard to explain to others that haven't experienced it. It's funny because I have an "outgoing" fun personality and most people wouldn't even know the internal struggles I have on a daily basis. I feel overwhelmed ALL the time and then feel guilty because I have all the tools I need to be successful like a full time nanny and a weekly housekeeper so I know I shouldn't feel this way at all. Thank you for posting this, I often feel so alone and disappointed in myself. Thank goodness for supportive husbands, I know mine is a saint for putting up with all the crazy lol! Love you for you! xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Girl, I just want to give you a hug. It's hard enough being a mom, I can't imagine the weight of anxiety. I love that you are so open and honest about it. I'm sure you are helping people that haven't figured out that anxiety isn't the norm. Bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. taking care of yourself and recognizing what is wrong is the first steps in healing. I will be 50 in July and I still get worked up!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love that you are so open and honest about this topic! You are helping so many people by speaking about it!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm sure so many people can relate to you and it's nice to hear this side of you, too. Everyone has something they are dealing with, but sometimes you just never know. A friend told me she has started meditating and that has helped so much with her anxiety. She also takes medicine and sees a therapist who has helped her with ways to deal with certain situations. Thanks for sharing your story!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am so glad you are starting to notice a difference. You sound like you really know yourself which is so helpful. I had major anxiety and depression after having my second child but I couldn't recognize it myself. I hope I'm in a similar place as you now that I've just had my third. If I need medication I hope I can recognize I do. I wish you the best as you continue to find what works for you. And I completely understand how grateful you are for your children and life - just because you have anxiety it doesn't change that sometimes it just overshadows it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. We've chatted before about this...I totally relate. I have been very much considering getting on meds. I tried lexapro and zoloft in high school but honestly it's been so long I don't remember which I liked. Now my "meds" are wine and that's not cool..I mean it's fun but it's not a cure, ha! I actually just had a great convo w/ my boss, who also suffers from anxiety, and she swears by acupuncture! Now the thought of these pins stabbing me give me anxiety but if there's relief in the end...I'll try it!! Once I find a place up here I'll let you know!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks for this post. I am the same age and have been the same way since high school struggling with anxiety and depression, as I've gotten older, I've realized it's more anxiety. I too was on Zoloft (in my late teens though) and had bad side effects from it, so I have been hesitant to take anything since then. I have been thinking more about it recently though as I think it's gotten worse and I have no patience and am just stressed/anxious much more than I used to be. I haven't been exercising as much and have gained some weight so I'm sure that isn't helping either. I could go on and on but thanks again for sharing your story and I am glad to hear that Lexapro is helping!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanks so much for sharing! I started following your blog about 3 months ago right after I gave birth to my first child. I too have suffered from anxiety and depression since grade school. I find your openness to be real with the world is inspiring because I too struggle and it's very debilitating at times! Unfortunately postpartum depression has reared it's ugly head but I'm currently taking prozac which I've found to significantly help and have not noticed any yucky side effects and have been taking it for about 3 months as well! I have found solace in reading your blog along with a few others bc it allows me to see that there are other people in the world that have the same problems and that I'm not alone. Thanks again for sharing and thanks for your awesome outfits you post I've already managed to snag a few for myself :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thanks for sharing, Caycee! I feel like everyone is always on the over-medicating soap box, and there's become this stigma that medication is a bad thing. In my experience, it's a very good thing, and I've learned that that's nothing to be ashamed of. I have a chronic pain condition which causes me great anxiety, and I have been on a very low dose of Zoloft for years now. My dosage is low enough that it just kind of balances me out without the ugly side effects. Medication is not always the answer, but it is the right choice for a lot of people. I'm so glad you've found something that is working for you!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I could have written this post myself. xo

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm with Ashley above, I could have written the same. My fears are different (crazy final destination fears...kids drowning..me getting kidnapped..house catching fire....CRAZY stuff) but I am in the SAME boat. I tried to go off Zoloft last summer and was a raging bitch hitler. I also have severe OCD so that makes things a huge mess. if you buy me the wrong lotion or forget to pack socks I will tear your ass apart. I hate that i'm like this, but that is me. I'm off zoloft for my pregnancy and I am the FUCKING HULK. I'm angry and have a hot hot temper and am counting down the hours until i can go back on Zoloft. I might try lexapro to see if that helps with the bedroom issue but usually 5 bourbons would do the trick. we will see but just know you aren't alone.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm so glad you're working on finding a balance between the medication and figuring out the "tools" to help yourself. I know how you feel -- I've always had anxiety, maybe not as severe, but it got really bad after I had my son. It can be crippling. I'm praying for you!! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you so much for sharing this, I know it's not the easiest subject to talk about. There are so many people (myself included) who struggle with this. I genuinely believe that discussing it and not keeping it as a "dirty secret" is incredibly liberating. And you inspire others! Wishing you all the best.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anxiety is a real disease and it affects a lot of people. Good for you for sharing about your struggles! I take Lexapro everyday and am very happy with that decision. I'd be a hot mess if I didn't ;) Like someone else mentioned, we all have our struggles and it's how we choose to deal with them that matters most :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks for sharing-love you!!! It really is comforting to know that I am not alone...As others have mentioned I could have written this post...especially the part about being accepted and questioning things you may have said:(

    ReplyDelete
  20. Love you girl! You are such a sweet and thoughtful woman and I'm so glad to know you and call you a real friend! I'm so glad to hear that you're taking steps to getting back on track to happy and in control of your anxiety. XO

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm happy to hear you're feeling better- I would never know you seem so relaxed and fun every time I see you!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Love this post and I am glad you are working with your doctor and family to find what works for you! I can relate some to social anxiety, only I'm the opposite of you. When I'm nervous socially I become clingy and/or shy and in turn act awkward, not helping my case.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Thank you so much for being so open and honest. I have anxiety as well. I have been debating about medication, because I was concerned about side effects or not being myself, but I truly appreciate you sharing your experiences.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thank you so much for sharing this! I feel like I could have written this post too. I have also dealt with anxiety since before I knew the word for it. It is so hard to describe that crushing, overwhelming feeling to someone who has never dealt with it...and all too easy for people to be dismissive of you when you try, especially if you are good at presenting a facade to the world of having everything under control. Again, thank you for being so open with us about your real life. :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. I love you for being so honest. I too struggle with anxiety sometimes, never to the point that I need medication but I do get overwhelmed and use some methods on overcoming some of my fears. I struggled for most of my life with terrible nightmares and after I had my last son I totally got fed up with the nightmares and prayed them away earnestly (it took a few months). Having a great night sleep ever since has helped me to have less anxiety because I was always afraid to fall asleep, even in college. I worry about things too and when I read this scripture I always feel better. Jeremiah 29:11-13 (There's a whole story about Who (GOD) gave my husband this scripture years ago and one day I'll share my story). God bless you my sweet friend! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  26. You are so not alone in your struggle, I believe everyone has a certain amount of anxiety at some point. I couple of years ago I started on a pill, that unbeknownst to me, cause me to have some major anxiety. I blamed the everyday stress, but this had been things that had never bothered me before. I was prescribed xanax, but only took it for a few weeks. I still can't believe all the crazy things that were going thru my head at that time. Thankfully, I'm over all of that, and I'm off that crazy pill, but I have a family member who is ridden by anxiety, so I totally understand where you are coming from. So glad your new medication is helping you cope with it, I'm always looking forward to reading your post, and I love that you share something as personal as this. Hope you have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Good for you girl!!!! I think the hardest step is saying you need help and working with the docs to figure something out that works. I wish I could get myself to that point. I relate to a lot of what you have mentioned. For me I have a hard time finishing things, I get so worked up about things going on, and trying to do everything perfect (Impossible in life and parenting) I just don't do them. Im an avoider and hate conflict. So happy for you, you seem like such a sweetheart and such a good lil Momma, many blessings to you friend and thanks for sharing your journey. LOVE that quote too!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I can relate to this so much! I am on Lexapro ( was previously on Cetalapram for 1 yr) 10 mg. I can definitely tell a difference in how I feel but the different techniques help too! Deep breathes, muscle relaxation and exercise too. Anxiety is awful and you often feel like no one really gets it. But believe me people do and you aren't alone girlfriend! Cetalapram made me feel numb in most aspects of life and that was just the worst. Finding a good regimen is key and it really is trial and error. Prayer has helped me too. Knowing God is in control and he will never leave me. You are awesome and you family is beautiful!

    From one deep breather to another... WE GOT THIS!!

    Jaz

    ReplyDelete
  29. Than you so much for opening up about your struggles with anxiety. I too deal with anxiety on a regular basis. It is always helpful to know that your not the only one. I recently came across your blog BC of Instagram and I love seeing your posts. You have a beautiful family and again thank you for opening up about your struggles. It makes it a little easier for me personally to know its OK to talk about it! Have a great day!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi Caycee, so glad I found your blog and IG account - really loving catching up (or stalking!) This post was beautiful and so real - and I think most girls have some degree of anxiety going on in their lives. Reading your post, I could relate with so many things (talking to a big group, hoping every one likes me and being in a crowd) but others I am completely fine with (driving on big roads and being out with my children). Thank you for sharing something so real and so raw in your life x

    ReplyDelete